So lately I've been contemplating things, which if you know me contemplating is never a great thing. I've realized that I've been wrong a lot in my life. I'm not just talking about a math question or a TV show answer wrong, I'm talking about one of those "Dang it I can not believe I just did that" kind of wrong. The kind of wrong that effects your future or a relationship or an event. The kind of wrong where you may not realize that your an idiot until after the fact, when it's too late. Ever had one of those? Well I've had a ton of them.
This last wrong has been a horrible one that is still affecting me. It's hurt me more then the other individual probably.
Isn't that funny? How something you do, meaning to hurt someone else, ends up hurting you the most. It just shows how broken, messed up, and incapable we humans are.
Every time God doesn't do what we want Him to, or it doesn't really go the way we want, we try and hurt God. Some times we don't realize it but we do. We try to do things like take matters into our own hands, stop talking to Him, or flat out tell God we hate Him. We hurt God when we sin, we hurt God when we don't trust Him, and we hurt God when we turn our backs to Him. If you look in the Bible you'll see a pattern... Man hurting God and if you look at our world today it's the same.
Now look back at every situation in the Bible. After man messed up so many times and hurt God over and over again, He still forgave them. And He still forgives us no matter what. God is such an awesome God that He would turn the other cheek and throw our sin as far as the East is from the West never remembering it again.
I remember when I was younger I was a constant bother to my parents. I got into everything, I broke everything, and I was pretty much the most awful child you can imagine. But every time I did something wrong, even when I didn't ask for it, my parents gave me their forgiveness.
They started a rule in our house, that no matter how mad you were at someone you should always forgive them and try not to feed grudges. Now when you're mad at your sibling for punching you in the arm, the last thing you want to do is forgive them, but we would do it anyway to make our mom satisfied.
I think that's how I forgive people now. They ask for forgiveness and I say okay just please them or to look good, but inside I still have that hurt or wrong attached to my heart and I constantly relive it, which of course isn't really forgiveness.
Now if I had been able to really forgive that person then can you imagine how much better I would have felt? I knew then that I would feel better but yet I didn't let go. Why you may ask. It's simple, I'm not God and more then that I'm stupid and would rather have a pity party then to forget it. I get so hurt by the things that people do to me, that I don't even consider the things I've done to others. In my opinion that's worse.
I've been praying and trying to come to terms with this problem but it's so hard. I'm afraid to actually go up to some one and be like "Yeah, you know that time that you hurt my like a year ago? Well I forgive you for that". Not only am I afraid of looking bad and unforgiving, but I'm also afraid of looking arrogant. But every time I feel convicted of the latter God says "You know what? Just do it with My Spirit in you and let me handle the rest."
Honestly the fact of having to give God the control scares the living crap out of me. I'm such a control freak and I want everything to be in my hands, that I would sacrifice a relationship. How dumb is that?
God is showing more and more everyday that I should just let go and sometimes I'm okay with it and other times I'm not, I'll grip the reigns as hard as I can and dig my heels in. Yet God is patient and waits for me. Isn't our God amazing?
Praise the Lord with at that you have and He shall surely rejoice!
Alex
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