College Prep

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to go to college. I guess the thought of getting away from Home and trying something new was exciting. As I am 8 months away from finishing my high school career, I more and more frightened by college. It might be that I'm more scared of not going to college, or that I won't get to go to the right college.

I have never seen myself going to an ivy league school. Too far away, too many people way smarter than me, and with a price tag I'll never be able to afford. Auburn University has been, and still is, my dream school. Auburn is my ivy league. My grandad graduated from there in the late 50's, my aunt and my dad went there in the 80's, and all of my cousins except two have attended. Auburn is my legacy.
I started my application last night and that is when I felt so inadequate. I don't have awesome grades, I haven't taken the ACT since sophomore year, and my extracurriculars are less than encouraging. Another huge hit to my self-esteem is that I'm not exactly prepared financially as well.

The plan for the last several months has been to do one semester at a community college, one semester at the Disney College Program in Florida and then finish my last 3 years at Auburn or Alabama or some other university. That has been the plan that not only pleased my mom but also gave me some sort of an answer. Practical, affordable, essentially smart. In reality, my heart only longs for one thing, Auburn.

Of course it is so silly of me to be hooked on a stupid school. Heck, I have never even been to the place. I look back now and I want to go back to freshman year and try harder, and do more, and be more involved, and learn more. I want to have a higher GPA and be smarter so that my ACT score would be better. I wish that I had saved and scraped and applied for scholarship opportunities. I wish I had done things better. Of course if I had $5 for every time I wished I could change the past, I wouldn't have to be wishing.

So here I am, September of my Senior year. I know what is in my reach and I also know what I want. What do I do? Do I reach for the untouchable? Do I settle for the practical? Do I try to convince my dad more and more to let me take out school loans? I know loans aren't practical, but I would rather achieve my dream and work the junk out later. What can I say, I'm a dreamer. Please pray for me and my parents in these next few months as I make decisions. Pray that they are wise and that they are the will of God.

Defeated Again

So you know this whole life thing?

Well it isn't working out that well for me.

I have no plans, I have no clue what I'm supposed to do, and I just can't seem to hear God at all.

I need to start applying for colleges in a few months and I have no clue what I would major in.

I don't even know if I want to go to college.

I hate this feeling of not knowing what to do.

I have a head full of ideas and thoughts and dreams but that seems to be all they are.

Dreams...

I thought about making a 5 year or even 10 year plan but I can't even do that.

I don't know what I want in the future.

Do I want to go to college?

Maybe but not really.

Do I want to be married?

Maybe.

Do I want to be in Africa?

Yes, but am I supposed to be there?

Do I want to do the other 5 careers that are in my head?

Yes, but which one is the right one?

So many thing to take in to consideration but I just can not wrap my mind around it.

I want someone to make a decision but not me and not my parents.

It is frustrating trying to hear from God with no answer.

How long do I listen?

How long is one supposed to wait before going insane?

I have had words from God but what do they mean?

How do I apply "stand beside the broken" to my life at this junction?

I feel defeated, confused, and frustrated.

Philippians 4:6-7  "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This verse is powerful and very wise.

Prayer and thanksgiving should be my attitude to God.

I want to be a confident woman that knows what she is doing but I just don't have that.

This could be God's way of forcing me away from the drivers seat.

If it is He needs to just take it already.

I'm done with worry, stress and fear.

Jesus take it all because I am done.

Late Yearly New Years Blog

                  I know, I know, 9 days late but at least I made it before January is over. 2011 was a great year. Full of ups and downs but mostly a good year! Last year I learned new things, did new things, dreamed new things, laughed harder, loved deeply, messed up, and enjoyed life.

                 Last year started with a new career journey; I officially started my photography business, Fly Away Photography. That has been an adventure in itself. I became a professional photographer, my first paid session was in January. I definitely learned as I went along and made many, many, many mistakes. Things are mostly smoothed out but I will probably still have some rough patches to go through. I really enjoy photography, it has become a passion that sometimes turns into an addiction. Photography has allowed me to, not only feed my own personal creative energy, but also to give back to others. Last month I helped with Huntsville first ever Help Portrait event. To be able to see people's faces as they viewed their pictures - maybe their first picture in 5 years, 10 years, or their whole life - was such a blessing. You could tell that they were so overjoyed to be simply handed a photograph. It made me think that next time I am begged to have my picture taken, I should be grateful for the opportunity. Thanks to my wonderful parents I received a Canon 40D camera for Christmas and I now officially have my own camera. No more borrowing Mom or Abbi's cameras.

                 This year Alabama had some pretty extreme weather. The first week in January we had a pretty major snow storm that let us home-bound for probably 5 days. It wasn't just a 'Southern dusting'. We had about 13 inches over a 5 day period. The most snow I have ever seen in my life.

Also a series of tornadoes came through. The tornadoes that came through Huntsville left us for 98 hours with out power. Thankfully my Grandparents were out of town so my family hung out at their house for about a week. Our neighborhood got hit by one of the several tornadoes that came through on April 27th. It was a Wednesday and Abbi, Zeb, and I had gone to biology class at school. By about 11:15, the power at our house had gone off and Mom, Zoe, and Charlie - our puppy- were sitting in our laundry room. We were let out of class early but couldn't leave school until about 1 and didn't get home til around 2 because all the roads were closed off due to fallen trees and power lines. We finally got home to a mess. Our backyard had been blown away. We had no fence and a board had flown through one of our windows. We had a tree fall in the front yard and a fair amount of roof damage, but we were all okay. The big bummer of that week was I had to cancel my sweet 16 birthday party which I had spent months planning. In the end it took us about 7 months, but all the damage finally got fixed!

                  Last summer I had the amazing opportunity to work as a page in the United States Senate in Washington DC. I was in DC for 4 weeks. I lived in a dorm with 30 other teenagers from across the US. I spent the month sitting on the Senate floor doing whatever was needed of me. I got waters and ran bills and amendments to different parts of the Senate. I just so happened to be a page during the Debt Ceiling Crisis so I got a first hand look at how our government works during a stressful time. That week was full of late night shifts, card games, I finished 4 books, and ran on about 4 hours of sleep everyday.
I learned so much about myself, others and my Abba God during that time. Now looking back and glancing forward, I am so thankful that God opened the doors and gave me that desire I have. I enjoyed my time in the Senate immensely, but I know now that politics are definitely not what I want to do in my life.

                   In October I got my first, real, official, part-time job. I am now a proud employee of Chick-fil-a here in Huntsville. It is very interesting and sometimes very frustrating to have to juggle work and school and last semester I didn't have a social life. I have had to drop a few extra-curricular activities which is sad (and decreases my social life even more) but I really enjoy working. The freedom of having my own money makes going in at 7am and working 5 days a week worth it to me. My family really enjoys that I am working at Chick-fil-a and come in quite often for their family discount.

                    My siblings and I started attending a new church, Summit Crossing. I love it there and have started some awesome relationships with the people in the youth group. It took me about 7 months after my family left the church to fully leave my Sojourn youth group. I left there hurt and confused as to why God took me away from my amazing friends there. I am sometimes still sadden by the lack of relationship I have  with those people but God had a plan. I still am not sure why He had me leave but I know that His will is the only way.

                  One of the biggest and most significant changes that happened last year was I felt a calling to go to Africa to work in an orphanage. Earlier last year I couldn't wait to graduate, move out and go to college to get away from all of this hectic chaos that is my life in Huntsville. Now, I still can not wait to graduate and move out but I want to go some place much different then a university. The hope of me moving to Africa keeps me going sometimes. Sometimes I go online and Google African children so I can see the beautiful faces. I am so in love with Africa. But that is the point. I am so in love with Africa that I am having a hard time figuring out if it is my will to go or God's will. I tell myself and others that I am not going to college and I have all these expectation set up but deep inside I worry that these dreams and desires are just that. Fleshly desires and dream to full fill my needs and wants, not God's. Of course, I want to do what God calls me to do but figuring out which little voice is His is harder then I thought. Sometimes I wonder if this is just His way of getting me prepared for something greater, if this is just a trial to see if I will give up my life for Him. I told Him to close doors if this wasn't His will and to open them wide if it was. So far most doors have been closed. In order for me to go on the mission trips I had planned to go on this spring/summer I need a passport. I asked my parents for one for Christmas and filled out an application have not gone and actually applied. Now I am too late to apply for a March trip and the trip I wanted to go on in July has a waiting list. I am getting very discouraged and worried that my dream is too far gone.
Stresses of starting the college application process and preparing for a future are really getting me down. I just try and hope and pray that God shows me a path soon. Meanwhile I try and trust but I feel like I fall short every single time.

So my year was fun, exciting, new, challenging, and scary at times. I got my licence, lived independently, lost friends, dreamed big, got my own room for the first time in 15 years, tried new things, made new friends, and tried and failed many, many, many times. Thanks so much for reading and I hope that your new year is filled with blessings and love.

-Alex

Extending Grace

How do you grieve a friend that has grown away from you?

That won't give you the time of day and is making all the wrong choices.

How do you convince yourself that its not your fault, there is nothing else humanly possible to do?

Nothing but love would make her understand.

Some nights I cry.

Some nights I wonder what the Father has in store.

Some nights I just pray that God keeps her safe while I can't.

How do you stop judging and start praying?

How do you stop yourself from screaming at them, trying to make them understand how deep your love is?

How do you extend patience and grace when they hurt you and themselves over and over again?

Grace that keeps being shoved back in your face?

How do I love like the Father when I myself have had my fill loving what seems a brick wall?

How do you get over grief, guilt, worry, and pain in one huge emotional tidal wave?

Only God knows what will happen.

I just have to know that I tried my hardest and God WILL do the rest.

Growing more Virtue

    I am just awful at blogging! But I think I'm getting slightly better, no? Yeah, no.

          So a few weeks ago I wrote about Africa. I have spent late night searching for opportunities to go and serve. I have emailed a few place and have some responses but I kind of at a stand still with no passport (which I will be getting for Christmas. That's how you know you are a big kid :) ). I have had to push my mission trip back to July because I'm afraid it will be registering too late for March. I'm discouraged and it's getting hard to know if this is God's will.

          I fret constantly about doing the Father's will. I feel like I'm not good enough, or will not be good enough or experienced enough. Silly first world problems are getting to me and I am letting myself be too human and not asking God for help. Arguments with my parents, stress of school and work, and the close coming holidays seem to be ripping through me. I am being too much of a teenager, which I hate.

          I am worried that I won't hear from God but I am also worried that I am no listening well enough. Everything is getting in my way and I'm choosing paths that I know I should not. One chapter is drawing to a near and I am frantically trying to write the next one as well. This was not what I planned, but then I shouldn't be planning. God should be doing it.

          My spiritually fellowship has been dry lately. Don't get me wrong I have awesome friends and an awesome family that I under-appreciate. I just wish that there was more. More spiritual down pour. That is what I am longing for. Trying to speak through yourself and minister to others at the same time is hard. Loving others is hard when you have no Holy Spirit. Loving yourself is hard when you have no Holy Spirit. I need more Holy Spirit. As simple as that sounds, it is way harder to achieve. It is going to be hard but I am determined to ask for spiritual down pour every day. 

         The Bible tells us to 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways follow Him and He will make your path straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6) and to "Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart" (Psalms 37:4). It tells us to "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalms 27:14) and that "The joy of the Lord is our strength"(Nehemiah 8:10). The question is how do I combine all these things into my personality? In Proverbs 31 it talks about a virtuous woman, 

      "¹⁰Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. ²⁰She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. ²⁵Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. ²⁷She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.³⁰Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised". 

          This woman is who I want to be. She is treasured by the Father. She helps those in need. She is strong, courageous, wise and kind. She looks after her family and has not idle hands. Yes, she is the picture I want to mirror. To spread the joy and light of God. 

The Fruits of the Spirit are another thing I need to work on; "²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Oh, Lord please come fill me with Your light, love, joy, strength, peace, goodness, faith, patience and self-control. 

Help me to eat from the fruits of the Spirit daily and to know more about YOU!

 Please pray for me as I continue this journey to be a virtuous woman of the Father.

One Day

One day I'm not going to care what I look like when I leave the house.

One day I'm not going to be worried about finding the perfect dress or shoes.

One day I'm not going to be all wrapped up in who likes who and who likes me.

One day I'm not going to worry that I haven't had a shower or that I haven't updated my facebook status in a day.

One day it's not going to matter that I have a dead phone and a dead computer.

One day my socialistic-American-entitled-life is going to fade.

One day I want all my trust to be in HIM.

One day I want all my hope to be in HIM.

One day I want all my joy to be in HIM.

One day I want all my self-worth to come from HIM.

One day I want to love Him whole-heartily

One day I want my will to be HIS and my dreams to be HIS and my plans to be HIS.

One day I want to love like HIM.

One day is tomorrow. 

Trending -- Vlogging

So yep,

I'm going to be hip and make all my blogs video-blogs.

I feel like it captures the essence of me better!

The first one

Sorry about the poor video quality and messy room.

Yeah, I know it's 8 minutes but it would take you that long to read a blog right?

What do you think about it?

Like or dislike?

Let me know!