Wrong Once Again

So lately I've been contemplating things, which if you know me contemplating is never a great thing. I've realized that I've been wrong a lot in my life. I'm not just talking about a math question or a TV show answer wrong, I'm talking about one of those "Dang it I can not believe I just did that" kind of wrong. The kind of wrong that effects your future or a relationship or an event. The kind of wrong where you may not realize that your an idiot until after the fact, when it's too late. Ever had one of those? Well I've had a ton of them.

This last wrong has been a horrible one that is still affecting me. It's hurt me more then the other individual probably.
Isn't that funny? How something you do, meaning to hurt someone else, ends up hurting you the most. It just shows how broken, messed up, and incapable we humans are.

Every time God doesn't do what we want Him to, or it doesn't really go the way we want, we try and hurt God. Some times we don't realize it but we do. We try to do things like take matters into our own hands, stop talking to Him, or flat out tell God we hate Him. We hurt God when we sin, we hurt God when we don't trust Him, and we hurt God when we turn our backs to Him. If you look in the Bible you'll see a pattern... Man hurting God and if you look at our world today it's the same.

Now look back at every situation in the Bible. After man messed up so many times and hurt God over and over again, He still forgave them. And He still forgives us no matter what. God is such an awesome God that He would turn the other cheek and throw our sin as far as the East is from the West never remembering it again.

I remember when I was younger I was a constant bother to my parents. I got into everything, I broke everything, and I was pretty much the most awful child you can imagine. But every time I did something wrong, even when I didn't ask for it, my parents gave me their forgiveness.
They started a rule in our house, that no matter how mad you were at someone you should always forgive them and try not to feed grudges. Now when you're mad at your sibling for punching you in the arm, the last thing you want to do is forgive them, but we would do it anyway to make our mom satisfied.

I think that's how I forgive people now. They ask for forgiveness and I say okay just please them or to look good, but inside I still have that hurt or wrong attached to my heart and I constantly relive it, which of course isn't really forgiveness.

Now if I had been able to really forgive that person then can you imagine how much better I would have felt? I knew then that I would feel better but yet I didn't let go. Why you may ask. It's simple, I'm not God and more then that I'm stupid and would rather have a pity party then to forget it. I get so hurt by the things that people do to me, that I don't even consider the things I've done to others. In my opinion that's worse.

I've been praying and trying to come to terms with this problem but it's so hard. I'm afraid to actually go up to some one and be like "Yeah, you know that time that you hurt my like a year ago? Well I forgive you for that". Not only am I afraid of looking bad and unforgiving, but I'm also afraid of looking arrogant. But every time I feel convicted of the latter God says "You know what? Just do it with My Spirit in you and let me handle the rest."
Honestly the fact of having to give God the control scares the living crap out of me. I'm such a control freak and I want everything to be in my hands, that I would sacrifice a relationship. How dumb is that?

God is showing more and more everyday that I should just let go and sometimes I'm okay with it and other times I'm not, I'll grip the reigns as hard as I can and dig my heels in. Yet God is patient and waits for me. Isn't our God amazing?

Praise the Lord with at that you have and He shall surely rejoice!

Alex

Summer

Okay so this summer I have decided that I WILL post every week... Maybe every other day... I don't know.

Anyways, a lot of stuff has happened since my last blog post. Dad has started his own consulting company and is doing really well. We still aren't very sure of what our family will be doing in the long run but we are hopeful that God will show us in time. He is coming back today from a week in Nashville, where is doing a job for our friend's church. He'll be gone for a few more weeks, coming home for the weekends.

Mom is still our children's minister at church and is loving (almost) every second of it. Some of our friends have asked her to photograph their wedding in a few weeks. I believe she is very excited and nervous at the same time!

Zeb is going to be a senior this coming school year and is getting more and more excited about "Senior Benefits" everyday! He is still looking at colleges and has yet to decide but I think he is leaning towards Union University in Tennessee. Our family will hopefully be checking the university out this fall. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm going to really miss my big brother when he leaves.

Abbi is going to be a freshman in high school this coming year and I think she is excited. This last year she has hung out with the high-school kids because of Zeb and me but I think it'll be more fun for her actually being one. She still enjoys photography and will be helping Mom shoot the wedding. She is still the same sweet, beautiful and sometimes bothersome little sister I have always loved.

Zoe is going into the 6th grade and is getting older and more mature everyday. Sometime I look ahead and realize that she will be a teenage soon. She is still the same cute little sister who amazes me more and more every day with her grown-up thoughts.

And me. Well I've become quite the photographer. I've already taken pictures of several friends and this summer I have an opportunity to take some friend's senior portraits! I'm very excited and I long more and more everyday for a Canon camera. I've decided that I really want to start a minor photography business while I'm in high school. I'm going to charge very small fees given that I'm only a high schooler. If you are intrested give me a call or you can look at my work on Facebook.
I had and lost my first boyfriend last month and oh my gravy was that an wonderful yet unpleasant ordeal. I've decided that boys really aren't (or shouldn't be) that important to me. I'm going to plunge myself into my school and work this summer. I'll work on making Jesus my main guy (with Daddy and Zeb taking second and third places) and on making friendships stronger instead of relationships.
My birthday is in 6 days and I'm counting down the days until I can get my permit! I'm sad that my whole family won't be together to celebrate my special day but I'll get through some how. I'll be a sophmore in high school and I'm looking forward to my classes and serving on SCA.
I'm planning on going to Summit summer camp in a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to it! God has opened my eyes to so much the previous years I've gone and I'm looking forward to what he is going to show me this year.
God has told me that one day I will open a house for pregnant teenage girl who have no other place to go. I'll show them God's love and help them choose the best choice for their situation. I'm throughly excited about what other things God has in store for my future!

Well that's about it for the update. As you can probably tell that I'm still the same spunky, crazy teenage girl that really needs some lessons in grammer and writing. I'm really looking forward to my summer and I have high hopes! I hope you guys will continue to follow me. If not I hope you have a blessed summer all the same!
Bless the Lords name with all of your praise and He will rejoice!
Alex