It has been almost a month since my last post!
I'm seriously going to have to make reminders for my to post!
So in my last post I wrote some about my life in DC (I never get over saying that!) but since I have lost that journal in the abyss that is my life, I will just tell you.
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Going to DC for a month was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done.
By the second week, I was done.
I wanted to high-tail out of that place as fast as I could.
I cried ... a lot
and pouted ... a lot.
I felt embarrassed that I missed my family and friends.
I never miss home.
I'm always the kid pushing my parents out the door.
But alas, I missed that place with such a desire I had never felt before.
Whenever people ask me how DC was or how my summer was I always say, 'Oh, it was interesting'.
Of course that gets questioning looks and I have to further explain.
I loved being in DC,
I loved the freedom,
I loved working,
and I loved being able do something important.
But the real bummer for me was that I didn't make any real friends.
I made what I like to call 'Facebook friends'.
They are the people that you add as a friend on Facebook, but that is as far as the relationship goes.
I mean the girls that lived in my room were great and everything but I didn't really feel connected to them either.
I didn't know why, but it hurt.
That was the one thing I was looking for, a friend.
I felt lonely all the time.
It was like I was part of the group, but really on the outside.
I didn't find their jokes funny,
I didn't relate to their stories,
and I couldn't understand why they did what they did.
I was the outsider.
I was the Republican, Christian, home-schooler from Alabama.
The way I acted was different,
The way I talked was different,
and how I lived my life was different.
I was different.
Just once I wished someone would have got it.
I wished that I could let go of me and some how be morphed into what those people thought was cool or interesting, or part of their group.
But I just couldn't do it.
I tried witnessing and following the crowd at the same time and, no-duh, it didn't work.
I couldn't be transformed to be of the world when I was trying to be of God.
I was just longing for acceptance.
As silly as it sounds,
I wanted someone to cry with on leaving day, as we parted,
but it didn't happen.
On the last night, I sat in my room packing, and crying, calling out 'God why am I here?'
I wanted leave right then and never look back.
I wanted forget that experience.
I wanted to forget that pain.
But eventually, I sucked it up and went out and sat with the group.
The smile plastered on my face hurt because I knew it was fake.
But for some reason I got up the next morning and wished that I had more time.
I don't know if I was trying not to accept that no one cared when I left or if I really didn't want to leave.
My parents came and got me.
The next week, I went home.
Home, Alabama.
The place I longed for.
I was finally home.
But homecoming wasn't as sweet as I wished.
I came home to reality.
I came home to loneliness.
Oh, how I wanted to be greeted back by everyone I knew.
I wanted to know that this was a safe place.
But it felt like a war-zone.
I then wished I was back in DC.
I called out to God 'Why? Why can't you just give me one break?'
Then it came into focus.
I learned things about myself that I never knew.
I learned that I can't go out in the world expecting my little slice of earth to follow me.
People are going to hate me, and as a Christian, I am different and always will be.
I will stand out and in this world that isn't a bad thing but it is hard.
The funny thing is, I still keep thinking, nay hoping, that, even a month after leaving my fellow pages, I could connect with one of them.
Then I realize, it just isn't going to happen.
This time, I didn't make friends, and that hurts so bad.
I'm the kind of person who longs for acceptance and it so hard for me to deal with if I don't get it.
An issue I need to give to the Father.
When I look at them, I wouldn't take back those 4 weeks for anything.
I would make myself better prepared and I would have a better attitude.
I would have tried tuning in to God better.
I would have done a lot differently,
but I am so thankful that I got that opportunity.
So there you have it.
For everyone who was wondering about my summer and had not yet heard the tale.
Quite adventurous and hard and wonderful and frighting all in one.
NOTE: If you have stumbled across this blog looking for info about the Page Program, please don't let this discourage you.
This was just my experience that could be completely different for you!
The Page Program is a wonderful experience that can benefit everyone who participates!
