I am just awful at blogging! But I think I'm getting slightly better, no? Yeah, no.
So a few weeks ago I wrote about Africa. I have spent late night searching for opportunities to go and serve. I have emailed a few place and have some responses but I kind of at a stand still with no passport (which I will be getting for Christmas. That's how you know you are a big kid :) ). I have had to push my mission trip back to July because I'm afraid it will be registering too late for March. I'm discouraged and it's getting hard to know if this is God's will.
I fret constantly about doing the Father's will. I feel like I'm not good enough, or will not be good enough or experienced enough. Silly first world problems are getting to me and I am letting myself be too human and not asking God for help. Arguments with my parents, stress of school and work, and the close coming holidays seem to be ripping through me. I am being too much of a teenager, which I hate.
I am worried that I won't hear from God but I am also worried that I am no listening well enough. Everything is getting in my way and I'm choosing paths that I know I should not. One chapter is drawing to a near and I am frantically trying to write the next one as well. This was not what I planned, but then I shouldn't be planning. God should be doing it.
My spiritually fellowship has been dry lately. Don't get me wrong I have awesome friends and an awesome family that I under-appreciate. I just wish that there was more. More spiritual down pour. That is what I am longing for. Trying to speak through yourself and minister to others at the same time is hard. Loving others is hard when you have no Holy Spirit. Loving yourself is hard when you have no Holy Spirit. I need more Holy Spirit. As simple as that sounds, it is way harder to achieve. It is going to be hard but I am determined to ask for spiritual down pour every day.
The Bible tells us to 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways follow Him and He will make your path straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6) and to "Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart" (Psalms 37:4). It tells us to "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalms 27:14) and that "The joy of the Lord is our strength"(Nehemiah 8:10). The question is how do I combine all these things into my personality? In Proverbs 31 it talks about a virtuous woman,
"10Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 20She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 25Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.30Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised".
This woman is who I want to be. She is treasured by the Father. She helps those in need. She is strong, courageous, wise and kind. She looks after her family and has not idle hands. Yes, she is the picture I want to mirror. To spread the joy and light of God.
The Fruits of the Spirit are another thing I need to work on; "22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Oh, Lord please come fill me with Your light, love, joy, strength, peace, goodness, faith, patience and self-control.
Help me to eat from the fruits of the Spirit daily and to know more about YOU!
Please pray for me as I continue this journey to be a virtuous woman of the Father.
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